↓↑journey

By Chris Penwell

Locked in the car (and unable to escape a conversation), my father and I were on the way to my swimming classes. Venturing through a pretty village, passing by my old primary school, my Dad asked a 13-year-old me, something as the church was in the corner of my eye. “Do you have a crush on Sora?”

My cheeks reddened, and I clasped my hands with a hopefully definitive-sounding, “No.” At that time, I think I believed that, but now I know I’m certainly bisexual and mostly gay. He was right as to why I played Kingdom Hearts so much in my childhood, despite the games absolutely having the best story and action-RPG gameplay in the industry.

It’s something I’ve struggled with for many years, as I’ve liked guys since I was a very little kid. In the early days of secondary school, I wanted to hang out with this boy named Jamie all the time, loving his smile. He was a Kingdom Hearts fan, too.

Sora was a character I gravitated to immediately. I found him so kind and willing to help his friends in whatever way possible. His smile and kindness reminded me of Jamie. As I was mercilessly bullied at the time, I never said anything or even realised I was gay until a lot later. Thankfully, Jamie said nothing to the bullies, despite how obvious I was.

I didn’t truly accept it until I immigrated to Canada and hung out with my best friend’s happy-go-lucky brother. We played Call of Duty: Black Ops and World at War together in arena matches, trying to outdo each other.

Then, one day completely changed my outlook on my sexuality. Randomly, he placed his head on my lap and lay behind me in two different situations. I couldn’t stop thinking about it as a teenager.

It was most likely a joke, as a few months later, I happened to see him with his girlfriend, hugging and kissing in his bedroom, but it made me realise that I was at least bisexual. My heart was so broken and plummeted to the floor.

However, I was always too afraid to admit it fully, even if I told my best friends about it. I didn’t have a community to embrace me. I was too scared of who I was. I did not accept that I was gay. People important to me said, “It was a hard life,” so I backed down.

I had no girlfriend, no relationship, for maybe about 10 years, because of being afraid of what others would think and not truly finding most women attractive. I went on a few dates during that time, but nothing stuck. I’ve always been a closed-off person anyway. I felt like I lost the twenties of my dating life due to fear.

In 2021, I became a VTuber. They’re virtual streamers that have anime-like appearances for the most part. I interviewed Leaflit for an outlet called GameDaily. Being able to become someone else and be a part of a community sounded so incredible.

“It’s comfortable to have the wall of a monitor in front of you; it kind of removes, I guess, a lot of risk,” Leaflit said during the interview. “Then, VTubing is like a second wall in a way, right where you can kind of be more comfortable.”

Becoming a VTuber, I decided to take the leap. And something happened that I didn’t expect. I truly opened myself up. Leaflit said in the interview that VTubing “allows you to kind of be more yourself,” and that was so true.

I opened myself up to fellow LGBTQIA+ VTubers out there on Twitch. It let me become more confident in being gay. I’ve made strong friends from the hobby, some of whom I’ll remember and keep chatting to for the rest of my life. What was just me streaming games became something much more noteworthy. I finally felt accepted. I built a small community, and I loved almost every second of it. And I finally found myself, despite being behind a mask.

I even dated another VTuber during that time, but it didn’t last, despite him being a sweetheart. He was just too sussy to keep it going. I felt a bit uncomfortable.

Something cool that happened, however, is that I helped someone realise their sexuality too. They felt more comfortable with who they were because I shared my coming out story during a stream. I’m proud of myself for helping someone (and now a friend) on their journey.

While streaming is now in the past for me, due to my move to England, it has made a huge impact on my life. Gaming with my friends in Fortnite, streaming Life is Strange and Final Fantasy XVI, and realising my love for blonde-haired dudes in video games during my VTuber days, opened me up. I’m now happy to say that I’m bisexual, but…at this point, mostly gay.

Do I still find some women attractive? I’m happily taken now, but certainly. For example, I find Cloud and Tifa from Final Fantasy VII Remake equally handsome/pretty.

But I’m now finally able to say I like men and will do so for the foreseeable future. I now have a boyfriend from the Philippines that I love with all my heart. We’ve played a bit of Mobile Legends: Bang Bang, but I hope we can expand that to more games together if I get him a console.